Greetings! It’s been a long time since the last iteration of Metaphorically F’d. From the global pandemic and associated economic recession, to the murder of George Floyd, it’s been hard to focus on internal battles that we face in life when we have been struggling to redefine and progress our idea of community. It didn't take long, however, for me to see how so much of what we could call ‘community’ is experienced online, through our phones; and they remain meaningful during our socially distanced times. A concept that this aging cynic would normally dismiss as unhealthy, these people, bots and companies have been able to help us through this uncertain time. The mentors we used to cling to “in real life” can be found in any manner of ways through their social media channels, podcasting, etc.
Coincidentally, back in February, I was researching the broader self-help industry as I found myself more and more ingrained in it. As much as I wanted to resist being put into the same category as Tony Robbins, just because I wanted to help others understand what the heck was happening in their mid-lives, I realized I need to understand better what was going on there. So below I hope you enjoy my foray into this unbelievably huge industry. Stay safe out there!!
So…. I wasn't sure what to write about for this chapter of MF’d. I didn’t really feel like diving into the psychology of parental relationships, the age 30 transition, etc. So I decided I would read one of the chapters in Levinson’s Seasons of a Man’s Life in which he goes through a detailed account of one of his interview subjects, in this case, “William Paulsen.” It didn’t take long for me to realize that what really made all of Levinson’s deep dives more accessible were the stories of the real people he interviewed. This one book has really opened my mind to this whole thing much more than any self help guru clickbait. I wondered why? So, I went straight to the source, Tony Robbins. I needed to find out more. What is it about these folks that people follow religiously? I stumbled onto an article written by, no less, another self help guru, about the 10 teachings of Tony Robbins. You can find it here. If you can get to the end and have any sanity left, I’ll buy you a beer. It reminds me of the pre-game hype speeches in the NFL. There are words, they are loud, but I have no idea what’s actually being said. As I watched a YouTube clip of Drew Brees hyping up the team in a pre-game huddle, I keep imagining if I what it would be like if I were in the huddle:
Drew Brees: “There’s three stages to this game. You play, you compete and lethal!”
Me: (to myself: Did Coach hand out a new playbook?)
Drew Brees: “All year we’ve been playing, been competing”
Me: (we’re all jumping now, can you say that last part again? It’s hard to make out your words.)
Drew Brees: “But tonight, we’re lethal.”
Me: (to the punter: Did he say lethal? I’m feeling more lethargic-al.)
Drew Brees: “We are lethal!”
Me: (Is his voice OK? Seems like all the screaming could be damaging.)
Yet another reason I’m not in the NFL. OK so cheerleading is a common theme in sports as well as self-help. But there has to be some of those at-home, self help tasks that can get me going. Maybe a meditation app? They seem to be popular. HeadSpace? Tried that, took a lot of naps, that guy’s accent is really nice.
Wait, I remember one of those a friend told me about; Gratitude Journals.What is a gratitude Journal, you may ask? Here is the Wikipedia definition…
“A gratitude journal is a diary of things for which one is grateful. Gratitude journals are used by individuals who wish to focus their attention on the positive things in their lives. Gratitude, the feeling of appreciation or thanks, has gained a lot of attention in the field of positive psychology.”
I wonder why my friend suggested that one? Did they tell me because I’m a cynical ass and I should appreciate the good things in my life? OK fine, what do we do, write down things we are grateful for, right? Shoudl be fairly simple, can’t wait to feel great after. Here we go, my gratitude journal:
Gratitude Journal:
I’m grateful for Hooks’ aged cheddar cheese
I am grateful for the first cup of morning coffee.
I’m really good at naps. Definitely grateful for that.
That’s about it. I think three is pretty good. In fact, I think I could integrate the coffee after the nap, and maybe a pre-nap cheese snack? I’m starting to get it, I can get into this. I’m thinking of great cheese, coffee and naps, it worked!!!
What else, what else? Oh yeah another popular one I’ve come across, “tripling down on one’s strengths,” what are my strengths? More lists? Here we go:
I’m good at super dorky jokes that should never be used on first dates.
Professional grade naps. Only my own father rivals this skill. Even still he is somewhat one dimensional in his naps, I don’t know if he can pull the 8-12 minute chair nap off like I can. I’ve kept this information close to my chest up till this point because I don't want to tip him off before the international championships this fall. I feel like he has a leg up on me in the afternoon, full sleep-cycle, 2-hour casket-nap category. At this point it’s anyone’s competition. (See #1)
Full beard capabilities without a corresponding black forest of chest, neck or back hair. Really a well balanced whole-body-hair growth. You have it or you don’t, can’t coach that.
OK OK, this is pretty great, but when does my life change? When am I amazed? So I’m in the huddle with Drew Brees, I’m excited, I’m pumped up, but I don’t really know why. After watching Tony Robbins, Joel Osteen or an infomercial for the food dehydrator, I also feel pumped up, or excited, or something. But again, not exactly sure why. The Power of Me, dried apple chips… amazement? All the yelling and the music and the absolute positivity overwhelms us with the feeling that things will be better, making change for the better, all about me!!! I can do it!
Yes, I know there are so many “steps” and “systems” to take the pep talk phenomenon and…. Well…. Make it real. Change my life!! The problem here is that when the adrenaline wears off, after you’ve paid for the book, the system, the online video courses, and you start writing in your gratitude journal, or meditating, or whatever, it’s difficult to translate these ideas to the mundane bullshit you’re trying to change. Look, these people aren’t gazillionaires for nothing, I’m absolutely sure that they genuinely help people change their lives better, but the cynical MidLifer who is looking for something less hoo-rah and more real, I’m not sure we couldn’t do better with other materials.
This brings me to David Goggins. If you don’t know who this man is, he broke the pull-up world record by doing 4030 pull ups in a 17 hour period. He had the song “Going the Distance” on repeat the whole time. Yes. For those of you unfamiliar with this epic, I grant a huge eye roll and associated sigh. This is the training montage song in the Rocky movies. Punch the sky stuff. This man was over 300 pounds and decided he would make the Navy Seals. Hilarious right? LIke someone moving to nashville to make music. Don’t quit your day job, right? Except….that…. He did. And then he completed the Army rangers training, and then the Air Force Tactical Air Controller Training. This type of thing can only be accomplished with a mindset. A lifestyle choice, something you have to wake up with, go to bed with, and everything in between. Goggins doesn’t want you to draw pictures of the rose petals in your life. Quite the contrary, forget all that stuff and focus. The brain is full of distractions. Set the course, go. Don’t stop. Here is a link to a piece of his interview on Joe Rogan. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIz15aJR3Mw
It’s important to note here that I’m not an MMA fighter, I’m not trying to break the pull-up record. I’m dedicating my time to being an artist. But Goggins motivates me to stay focused much more than the self help gurus. It doesn’t help me to know that Elon Musk reads a lot of books, it helps to have someone (metaphorically) slapping me in the face to stay on my game. You see when you’re free to make your own schedule to make music, make art, whatever, distractions can pull you off course easily. Even just working from home can be painfully slow and inefficient, when you stop writing your blog to wash one dish or have more cheese.
I was sitting at my keyboard talking to myself about some random BS that was getting me down, and I received a text from my good friend, with this link of David Goggins yelling...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkqjB-2YXqc
Immediately my entire random bullshit felt trivial. Just getting yelled at by someone who has an extreme amount of drive, focus and determination injected some sort of adrenaline by osmosis into my system and I was able to move on with my day. I was motivated. I don’t need lists. I don’t need plans, on days like that, only needed to be yelled at. I think these motivational speakers and authors can say whatever they want to say, we are buying their confidence, their body language, their tone. We immediately want to ape them, we want to exude that same confidence in ourselves. And guess what? It works! We do. It doesn’t matter what they tell us to do, we’re excited. Tony Robbins number 1 piece of advice is to raise your standards. It’s beautiful because they follow it up with the “it’s so simple,” line. It disarms the cynic. “Do better.” “Be Better.” “Try Harder.” I can do this. I can do you one better, Tony. Nice guys finish last. Go get it. Robbins’ own fans say he’s turned into kind of a douchebag and they prefer his younger, more humble versions. He knows now it doesn't matter what he says, as long as he yells it the right way. Now, you might ask yourself how this can be done with the printed word? It’s SIMPLE, just REALLY use punctuation!!!! Do you really want to make changes?? ASK YOURSELF, what do I need to do to change my life for the better? Tony Robbins has an estimated net worth of $480 million.
I’m going to tell you what all this billion dollar industry is doing. Trying to alleviate fear. Fear holds us back, rationalises decisions to keep us from venturing into dangerous territory. It’s a protective response. But in the modern world we don’t need as much protecting. Food and shelter are pretty easy to come by. The unknown gets more and more uncomfortable the older we get because we keep learning more. Not because we are weak. It’s really nice to get high and watch TV every night. Not knowing what couch you’ll sit on next week is unsettling. We accept not making our bucket list because it’s super predictable and nice to know you’re going to watch the game, make dinner, read your book, and go to bed at 10 every night. Now, on the flip side, pursuing your bucket list items sometimes is pretty uneventful, and there are consequences. Seems like what we need out of this community is finding ways around our fears, even if it simply means pumping your adrenaline up generically, and hoping you fight through whatever it is you're battling.
Who’s your favorite motivational speaker? Why?? Email me back, let me know!!
Til next time,
Matt
Commenti